Imagine how you feel when you've just been shagged to another dimension. Nice hey? A little bit like your brain has turned to goo? A little bit raw perhaps?
Now, imagine, in this moment, your very nice shagger turned to you, the shag-gee, and said 'I'm out. Peace!' 

This nice, vulnerable little goo space you're in, suddenly not so nice. Suddenly too vulnerable. Maybe, suddenly sad, lonely, or broaching on come down territory. 

Okay, okay, now if we rewind, and the shagger pauses, and they look into your eyes and they tell you - that was incredible, I'm gonna give you the aftercare you deserve. And you ask.. 

What is Aftercare?

Well, aftercare is spoken about a lot within the BDSM community and for good reason - it can be an intense experience requiring a lot of vulnerability, trust and even push physical or emotional limits. 

It's not just to follow up whips and chains. It's for everyone. Any kind of sex that involves vulnerability, intensity, or another human being deserves a soft landing.

Think of it as a moment to take that vulnerable little goo space, and reinforce care, connection, and respect. For both of you. 

Why aftercare is good.. scientifically speaking.

During sex your brain gets absolutely flooded. Oxytocin - your bonding hormone - surges. Dopamine and endorphins are flowing. It's an au naturelle, top quality, A-Grade chemical high. And what happens after every high?

A come down. Whomp whomp.

This lil come down, sometimes known as a ‘sub drop’ in BDSM, is your brain crawling itself back to homeostasis. It's why post-nut-clarity or post-coital dysphoria (crying after sex) are a thing. The drop might also result in exhaustion, worry or sadness - even if you've just had a banger of a time. 

Your nervous system just ran a marathon and now it needs a blanket and a snack.

Aftercare is that blanket. And that snack.

It can also be genuinely healing - particularly for people whose past experiences have taught them that sex leaves you feeling used, ashamed, or alone. A moment of tenderness after intimacy can quietly start to rewrite those associations. Which is beautiful and also a lot of power to hold, so hold it carefully.

What aftercare does my partner want?

ASK THEM! Its always good to check in with your partner to see what they like after sex. Some just want to be left alone to process and self-regulate. But here are a few suggestions for you, based on the 5 languages:

• Words of affirmation:
  • Use your words! Talk to them. Tell them how good it was for you. Tell them you love them (if you do). Tell them you really enjoyed your time together, that they're beautiful & they're so good at {insert}. Check in and see how they're feeling, thank them for being so vulnerable with you or for taking control or making you feel {insert}. Maybe they like praise and they've been such a good {insert} for you.

• Physical Touch:
  • Hold them! Caress, massage and play with their hair. Give them a lil kiss. Get them a nice blanket and wrap them up. Hold their hand on your heart or yours on theirs and use your presence to help them come down from the throws of passion.

• Acts of Service:
  • Make them a tea or something to eat. Wipe them down with a warm cloth or run a bath for them. Put on a movie or ask them if theres anything they need. Make the bed or tidy up. Take anything that needs doing into your own hands. If they have to leave - drive them home.

• Gift Giving:
  • Give them a little chocolate, reward them for their all of their hard work and perseverance, again, give them a tea or buy them dinner.

• Quality Time:
  • Reassure them you'd like to continue to spend time with them, just be there, engage in the moment to make it 'quality' through conversation and all of the above tips. If you have to leave, arrange another time to meet again so they know it's coming.

Do different kinds of sex need different kinds of aftercare?

They might!

• Rough sex - prioritise comfort and reassurance to ensure the shaggee feels safe and depending on the intensity isn’t in pain.
• Emotional sex - avoid changing up the tune too quickly but you can lighten the mood. Just hold emotional space, be open, communicate, eye contact and use the above tips.
• Casual sex - have a laugh, have a chat, light affection if that’s your vibe. Even if there’s no expectation for ongoing connection be respectful and courteous. A nice gesture and a thanks for a good time can go a long way.

The best kind of aftercare ultimately comes from attunement, getting on their level and paying attention to their needs. Simple as that. 

And remember that you can give aftercare to yourself after self-servicing too. You're the shagger and the shaggee and you can treat yourself to a little love. 

Mack Out. 

xx