When it comes to sex especially with new partners or trying new thing getting clear on your boundaries and desires is sooooooo important. When you’re approaching this conversations or even just contemplating for sexual limits it’s helpful to think about what you want, what you’re open to or curious about, and what’s definitely a hard no.

How Do You Ask for Consent Without Killing the Mood?

People often worry that pausing to ask for consent will feel awkward, forced or halt the horny but in practice, it rarely does. Asking in a confident, flirty tone can actually enhance the sexual energy. For example:

• “Do you like having your neck bitten?”
• “Your ass looks delicious! Can I taste it?”
• “Are you ready for me?”

These kinds of consent-positive questions flow naturally into dirty talk and make your partner feel considered and desired.

When’s the Best Time to Discuss Your Sexual Preferences?

Some people say not to talk about sex right before, during, or after it. But I say it depends on the mood. If you have good communication and mutual respect, these moments can work fine.

If you'd rather be intentional, you can schedule a chat:

• “Hey patootie, I’ve been thinking about some things I’d like to explore. Can we sit down and talk about it sometime?”

• Or bring it up casually during a fun or flirty moment:

  “I’d love to try ___. How would you feel about that?”

The key is: take your time, ask questions, and stay curious. Sometimes a partner might not have a clear ‘why’ for a limit - they might just feel suffocated, overwhelmed, or shy. Making space to understand what triggers those sensations goes a long way but also if they’re not wanted to share why, just respect it anyway.

Can You Set Up a Regular Time to Check In?

Yep! My partner and I use a formal “check-in template” for monthly relationship discussions (nerd behaviour), and we also try to do weekly 15-minute “container chats” (suggested by my very own sex therapist).

Scheduled ‘containers’ act as a designated time to bring up things that may arise throughout the week, when it doesn’t feel like the right time to discuss. They guarantee an opportunity that you’ll get a chance to chat when your partner is open and ready for discussion. They prevent things from brewing up and spilling over into unintentional resentment or panic. AND! They’re also really good chances to practice healthy communication! We love.

How Do You Ask for Changes Without Hurting Their Feelings?

Use the ‘compliment sandwich’ - a classic! Loved by all relationship counsellors. You’re gonna:

(Bread) Start with something you love about them or your sex life.

(Filling) Let them know what your need is whether it’s something you want to add, delete or tweak.

(Bread) Top it off with an expression of appreciation or excitement.

For example:

“I love the way you eat me out, you get me so wet, especially when you lick my clit and use your fingers at the same time. You know what would make it even hotter? If you teased it for a while before touching my clit directly... you’ll leave me begging for you. Let’s try that next time so I can enjoy you even longer.”

This kind of request/feedback feels good to receive, it’s loving, playful, and clear.

What kind of language works best for discussing boundaries?

Hot Tips:

• A good rule of thumb is to use ‘I’ statements (’I feel good when __’ ‘I want more __’) rather than ‘you’ statements (’you don’t do __ enough’, ‘you aren’t good at __’).
• Use Non-Violent Communication which involves stating how you feel, what you would like to improve or avoid, and offer a suggestion and ask your partner if they’re open to it. While avoiding blame-y language.
• Some people like therapy talk, while some loathe it and would rather be told straight. It’s really up to the people involved but if you choose a more straightforward approach avoid raising your voice, insulting or using intimidating language. If you choose therapy talk make sure you’re still being clear, asserting yourself and avoid minimising your needs.
• As a receiver - Validate! Acknowledge! Be open and be mindful that someone asking for you to love them they way they need is a privilege. They’re essentially giving you the opportunity to be the best partner/lover/fuck that you can be for them. And also, it can be really hard to do sometimes so thank them for sharing.

What If You Don’t Know How to Say It “Perfectly”?

Say it anyway. My motto is: it’s better to say something important poorly than not at all. If something matters to you, bring it up with openness and excitement and let your partner handle their response. You’re not responsible for their reaction, only for showing up with honesty and care.

If you try and it doesn’t go down well just remember that while you can’t control people’s reactions, you’ve done your best to be an active participant in your life and you’ve advocated for yourself and your needs. I’m proud of you and you should be proud of yourself!

Mack Out.

xx