To all my limerents out there. I see you. I feel you. I know, love is already hard enough.

WHAT IT LIMERENCE

You know the term ‘living in your head rent free’? Yeah, that’s basically it. Except they’re not just living there - they bloody haunt the place!

In actuality, limerence is described as an intense and intrusive romantic infatuation. The term was coined by Dorothy Tennov in 1979, following her research into what love is

To some extent it’s a super normal experience. It’s kind of like a super intense crush - except the preoccupation can start to take on a life of its own. There are thousands of books, songs, films and poems written describing love in this particular manner.

My favourite book, Wuthering Heights, for starters. Twilight, no doubt! (Bella literally endangering herself to conjure an apparition of Edward lol.) Normal People. Romeo & Juliet. 500 Days of Summer. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (totally relate to wanting to erase the memory of someone). So many great ‘love songs’ or anything by Lana Del Rey.

Though the technical term is about romantic obsession, a lot of people describe their limerence as being non-romantic or maybe just sexual. Again, whether this is limerence or not is a bit murky because like I said, it’s not a classified disorder - it’s an experience.

Basically, the experience is being heavily preoccupied or ruminative about a particular connection (real or imagined). So much so that it can dictate your mood and disrupt engagement in your real life.

It can vary in intensity but it might manifest in:

• Constantly checking your phone for updates, their socials or statuses.
• Excessively replaying old interactions and conversations.
• Engaging in deep fantasising about the person ie; future scenarios, imagined relationships. This can go so deep that real life connections and experiences pale in comparison - leading to disengagement irl.
• Emotional dependency on their responses (real or imagined). Like feeling euphoric if they message you, or distraught if they don’t. Even hurting your own feelings by imagining rejections etc in a fantasised scenario.
• A feeling like this person and your connection is significant.. despite a lack of evidence for it and possible actual evidence against it.
• Shame about your experience of limerence.

HOW IT WORKS

The mechanisms by which limerence is created or fuelled aren’t exactly known. I’m sure it’s connected to a range of things. However unreciprocated feelings, unrealised potential, unmet needs and closure that never comes are all catalysts for limerence. It feeds on uncertainty which allows our minds to make up for it with romanticised, idealised versions of what could be.

We also know from research into reward learning that unpredictable rewards can produce persistent seeking behaviour. So, if you never know when your next dose is coming, the anticipation can take longer to die out. Which might be why certain situationships, long distance relationships and inconsistent people who give just enough, or one-sided interests can be particularly captivating.

They leave a lot to the imagination - perpetuating the perpetual limerent state!

Even a fear of rejection might keep the fire burning. The need for clarity on a situation may never come if you're too afraid to ask for it.

WHO CAN BECOME LIMERENT?

Because it’s not a recognised disorder or diagnosis, there isn’t some clinical threshold you have to meet to call yourself a limerent.

But certain groups of people tend to be represented more in the limerent community:

• Those with ADHD, autism, or a tendency to hyperfixate on things of interest.
• Those with ruminative/obsessive tendencies like OCD and anxiety.
• Those with insecure attachment styles or who received inconsistent caregiving.
• Those with a fear of rejection and low self esteem.
• Those with difficulty regulating emotions or tendencies toward maladaptive daydreaming.

However, you don’t have to have any of those things to experience limerence, and conversely, even if you do, it doesn’t mean that you will. It’s luck of the draw, baby!

WHO CAN BECOME A LIMERENT OBJECT?

And similarly, anyone can become another’s ‘Limerent Object’ (a term used to describe the person who someone is limerent for - a bit dehumanising but useful for the sake of talking about it).

Maybe they’re a random online, a stranger in the street, a colleague, or an on again off again ex - or for the lucky ones, the person they marry.

I’ve read countless people’s experiences online and have heard of people becoming limerent for their current partner’s ex, their neighbour, their barista - the possibilities are endless!

MY EXPERIENCE

As someone whose favourite books as a teenager were Wuthering Heights and Twilight, it was never gonna be a good time for me.

My experience of limerence has been exhausting and embarrassing.

For me, it tends to come in waves, rising when I’m lacking purpose, stimulation or connection. Honestly, I think it just gives me something to think about when I need a little pick-me-up.

For example, when I’ve just gone through a breakup and the last thing my brain wants is to acknowledge it, it’ll find something else to latch onto - like a past unresolved attachment or a new, fun and exciting one..

Usually, it disappears when I’m otherwise fulfilled - or have been given a cold, hard dose of reality that this person is in fact, not the love of my life.

HOW TO DEAL WITH IT

Look, I’m not a licensed anything but from what I’ve gathered these are helpful:

• Reduce or cut the behaviours that perpetuate the feelings - ie; the checking of socials, the messaging. Disrupting the fantasies (this will take strength and mindfulness).
• Invest in your real life! Yourself, your friends, your connections. Find something else you’re excited about. Take a look around you - make a habit of scanning your environment and remembering where you are.
• Understand what this connection is giving you. What do your fantasies revolve around? Are they feeling uniquely seen by this person or winning their love? Maybe they represent a part of yourself you feel is lacking like they’re an expert in something you care about or they have mega charisma. Then once you understand what you get from it, take that, and manifest it in your real life!
• Develop boundaries with yourself to avoid perpetuating the preoccupation and also to avoid violating the boundaries of the other person. The last thing you want is to make someone feel uncomfortable.
• At the end of the day it’s all easier said than done, which is why the help of a therapist who gets it could be particularly helpful. Especially if it’s impacting your mood, self esteem, relationships or leaning toward OCD.

So whether you’ve experienced this or not, the message here is that limerence is less a personal failing, or a choice someone has made, and more so an involuntary experience occurring because of so many already difficult things.

Sometimes the brain just picks a person and decides that’s all you’re gonna think about for the foreseeable. Fucking inconvenient, really - if someone finds a cure, shout out!

Mack Out.

xx