Goonin’, goonin’, gone.
When did you last get turned on by something that wasn’t a screen? If you’re finding it hard to remember, you’re not alone.
Beyond the ethics of the industry, we also all know there can be some more personal ramifications of porn usage - setting unrealistic expectations for how sex ‘should’ be, setting unrealistic body and performance standards and of course, desensitisation to all other things ‘sex’. In one study, almost half of young men displayed no arousal while being exposed to porn. That’s absolutely bonkers! Back in my day, all I needed was a 30 second sex hotline ad on the tv to get me going.
This reliance on porn kind of steals the spice from life! The grip of the nip! The allure in subtle sexuality. And our ability to get turned on in normal sexual scenarios.
This is where porn use gets a bit sticky. This quick fix, bypasses and weakens our ability to turn ourselves on through imagination, sensuality, and can rob us and our partners of the pure sensuous potential that exists within us. It’s hard to feel excited about deep, explorative, or even normal sex, when you’re used to seeing contrived, hardcore, gang-bangs every day.
Now I’m not saying porn is evil. I’ve heard that couples who watch porn together tend to be more sexually satisfied. But if you’d like to expand your ability to get off sans-screen - to reconnect to the fantasising, sensuous pervert within - then let me tell you how.
A little disclaimer: a hard pivot out of porn isn’t always going to be easy. Speaking from experience, you might feel like you’re never gonna get off again. But trust me, it IS possible and the best part about this journey isn’t the finish line, it’s the wanks you have along the way.
To help you on your journey, I’m going to break it down for you into beginner, intermediate, and pro tools that you can use to resensitise and strengthen your ability to fantasise and be in your body. And also provide you with some more ethical, realistic porn sources.
Alright, enough goonin’ around.
For Beginners:
Audio Porn: Imagine you’re blindfolded, but someone’s holding your hand. You can’t see anything, but you’re still being lead. That’s audio porn! It’s leading you there without doing it for you. Audio porn might sound like narrative, JOI (jerk off instructions - hot!) Or even literal dirty talk and the sounds of sex. If you’re interested in this try Dipsea, eroASMR, Quinn. For a personalised experience perhaps find some creators on reddit. The internet’s your oyster.
Erotica: erotica is to porn, what literature is to film. Once again, you get to read (ya big nerd) and exercise your imagination a bit more than you would if you were just watching porn. There’s narrative, there’s experience, it’s also gonna slow it down a lot so you get to sit in the pleasure a little more. Try: Literotica, Archive of our own (fanfics) or idk I’m sure a quick Google or Reddit search will provide more than you need to get your rocks off.
Intermediate:
Sensate Focus: loved by sex therapists everywhere because it brings more life to your ability to feel. If you’re accustomed to the same old routine, the DJ here, pinch there, then out pops a pretty flat orgasm then this is for you. Here, you’re encouraged to take your sweet time, to touch yourself everywhere but your genitals, to discover how much pleasure you can find in slowing it down, drawing it out, and trying something new. Experiment with pressure, speed and body parts. You’ll thank me later.
Fantasy Building - surf the web of your imagination. Think about what, who, where turns you on. Use memories, imagery or stories that get you going and incorporate them into your very own jizz-reel. The best part of this is it leaves no trace so it can be as filthy (or vanilla) as you like. *If you, like me, have a weak minds eye, this can be hard but the purpose is to build the muscle. So keep it coming darlin, practice is progress.
Pro:
Somatic Exploration: First you were exploring, now you’re mapping. Traverse your body and find out where you feel more pleasure, feel less, what builds sensation and tension, and what releases it? What sensations build desire for you specifically? Mapping your body’s specific pleasure blueprint will make you a better self-lover and more attuned to how desire builds for you. Strengthening this attunement might even make you a better other-lover as well.
Active Fantasy Construction: You’re constructing your own narrative and you’re the author, the characters, the landscape and the audience. Instead of passively letting a fantasy drift in, you’re going to deliberately build one. I’m talkin’ characters, setting, tension, buildup. Think, smut. The more detail you put in the more immersive it becomes. You can even write it out if that’s somethin you’re into.
Body-Based Breath Work: **Don’t knock it till ya try it. Breathwork is used in esoteric practices, like Tantra and Erotic breath work, to circulate sexual energy, possibly bringing you full body orgasms, outta body, altered states and helping you to connect to your sexual energy. Sounds a bit woo-woo, and might need some instructing at first but it’s a worthwhile venture. Look up guided erotic breath work to learn how to integrate this into your sexual exploration.
If you’re content with the pleasure you feel, capacity to turn yourself on, and really like porn but are concerned about the ethics of it, then maybe you could try some more ethical porn sites such as: Erika Lust, Bellesa, Ersties, Lustery. Even some Onlyfans are okay, but they need a little vetting.
There’s literally always more pleasure to discover. Your body is a crazy thang, and you can literally imagine up anything you want - no more scrolling on PornHub looking for the exact thing you want to come to - you can just generate it in that sexy lil brain of yours. Even if you are still watching porn, using the body based practices can really improve your capacity for pleasure. Just know that you don’t need that screen to to scream 😛 I’m excited for you.
Mack Out. xx
